“When I seem to be making progress on this front—like how I’ve finally developed the courage to create and share the art I’ve always dreamed of—my fingers still find the snooze button, both literally and metaphorically, delaying the dream just one more hour, one more day. I have more unfinished projects than you can imagine, each a dusty testament to dreams deferred.”
I felt this part so deeply in my soul as a parent. This entire piece is such a gift that makes me feel incredibly validated as a parent and human living in our current landscape.
Also, might I add, your video intro instantly hooked me— fluid, vulnerable, real (not obscurely curated).
Thank you so much for the kind words Samantha! It means a lot to me to know you connected with the essay. Trying to create art and be an engaged parent is difficult indeed. Thanks for making me feel less alone on this journey.
I also appreciate your kind words about the video! I love making them, and I hope it gives my readers a chance to get to know me more.
Thank you for your presence, and I look forward to connecting!
So difficult with kids in the house: stress, surprises, appointments, meetings, disagreements with spouse. A lot of personal needs fall to the wayside, taking a backseat. A constant struggle for me.
I hear you Jesse. It's a constant struggle for me too. For me, I think the art is worth it. I'm not sure I could make sense of the difficult parts of my life without it. Thanks as always for your presence and your comments 🙏🏻
Such a great post, Jacob! The humanity in your writing is beautiful, and such a draw. I hope Substack continues to push you in your desired direction. I definitely understand the "public announcement" piece, as I've done the same with my novel; if people know about it, I have to finish it! And an awesome video, as always.
Thank you Maria! I appreciate your kind words and support as always! Your presence here is such a gift. And, yes! I feel like your Substack is a great example of the public pledge since we're all following you on your novel-writing journey. I look forward to buying it and putting it on one of those cool Substack shelves I've seen floating around on Notes 😂. Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing this. I resonate with it so much. For me it was (and I guess will always be) alcohol. Community feels like an important piece and one as a man I have historically struggled to create with other men. I also see Substack as a way to work toward this kind of community. And appreciate you showing up to co-create that space.
Thank you Josh for this thoughtful reply and for sharing. I really struggle to create community with other men and, to your point, I think one reason I started reading on Substack and eventually writing here was to change that. I've become really lonely and isolated, especially since 2020, and I hope writing can help with that as well and perhaps make some other folks feel less alone, too. Appreciate your kind words and your presence here! 🙏🏻
Excellent, skillful writing, Jacob! Once again, you kept my interest throughout.
You certainly set yourself up for mounds of [unsolicited?] advice with this one, haha. I'll resist the temptation and just say: The greatest thing about the second option for the best time to plant a tree is that it's always now.
Thank you Don! I always appreciate your kind words and support. In terms of advice, I feel like I'm always learning from your writing! But, yes, always now indeed—heard. 😊
I was tempted to say you're so young, but it's all relative. I'm 55 and I'm struggling to change myself, it's a constant battle. I went through a dark night of the soul last year but I think it was the catalyst for change, as painful as it was. I'm trying every day. I'm catching up to my Dad's age when he passed away. That scares the heck out of me. Our son is 16. We are older parents, I want to be there for him.
Thanks for sharing and writing, it's the first step, and trying. It's not linear remember, change. I remind myself of that every day.
When I get short tempered and irritable. I'm usually overwhelming and when I look underneath it all I see fear on my self.
Thank you for sharing Jane, and for your thoughtful response to the essay. To your point, all we can do is try every day and realize that change is a complicated process. I also appreciate how you point out that those dark nights of the soul can actually be catalysts for change even if they're painful. Unfortunately, I feel like I've had to get really low before I could motivate myself to change (at least regarding the really important stuff). Anyway, thanks for being here Jane—I appreciate your presence and for making this process feel less lonely and overwhelming! 🙏🏻
Our kids do help us to get into perspective. I love that you are trying, aren't we all in some way? You've taken the very first important step - awareness. Now on to fight the demons - internal or external. You can do it!
Ahh mate - from a fellow trying dad, thanks for the heartfelt honesty. This resonated in a particular potent way - I too fear I'm running out of time to be the person I want to be and feel the intense waves of frustration around that, how my kids will experience me and the fear of never meeting my creative potential.
It's slowly becoming a quieter voice but definitely an undercurrent - a mentor of mine once framed it as the 'becoming vs being dilemma' which I really appreciated.
Thank you Jesse—it means so much to hear from other dads and parents that are experiencing similar feelings. I'm hoping it becomes a quieter voice for me as well, and I think the writing helps with that—a lot, in fact, which makes it so essential. Wishing you and your family the best on this journey.
I do love the framework of "becoming vs. being dilemma" though—absolutely.
Thanks again for your kind words and for being here—your presence is appreciated.
Knowing we need to do better doesn't mean it instantly happens. It can take days, months and even years of intentionality to break certain cycles. Sh*t is hard.
Thank you so much Jamal! You're right: it is hard, and it doesn't happen instantly, which makes it so absurd when we beat ourselves up for not changing overnight! It's something I'm really working on, but I think it comes down to what you've highlighted here: Intentionality, even if it does take years. If I'm trying and being intentional about the change, that has to count for something.
I appreciate your presence and your support as always Jamal! It's a gift 🙏🏻
This was such a captivating read. It seems like we all see ourselves in your words and know how hard it can be to really change.
I feel like I’m up against time too with my son growing and my career just crunching away at my life… trying to secure that “glass half full” perspective on the regular is a challenge.
Thank you for saying what so many of us feel, but could never articulate ourselves. 🙏
Thank you for sharing and for your kind words—it means so much to me. You said it: It's that feeling of being up against time and the crunch of the career that can make a positive outlook so difficult sometimes. It's something I'm working on as well. Thank you for being here and making the journey less lonely as we try to overcome these obstacles!
As a former engineer turned writer and literary person, it was literature, reading and writing that helped me along the journey to change. Engineering is chiefly about problem solving involving machines, systems and the like. It looks at forces, stresses, dynamics, thermodynamics and other such measurements and calculations. It solves equations..
I am sure the writer of the book means well, but I would not look to an engineer to help you on your journey. Steinbeck, Doestoevsy, Camus and Bellow have much more to say on this subject than any engineer who views things (probably humans, as well) from a systems approach.
Well, humans are not machines and our minds are not computers. Substack is definitely a wonderful place, a community, of creative people. Very high calibre; very supportive.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply as always Perry! It's appreciated. And I certainly agree with you regarding what writing and literature can teach us. Speaking of Bellow, I recently purchased a collection of his non-fiction writing, and I've been reading some Steinbeck, too (East of Eden). Reading great writing always soothes my soul and provides many of the insights I'm looking for (or not looking for but need to hear, anyway). To your point, Substack is a wonderful and supportive place to be with other writers.
Because you're a former engineer, it'll be interesting to see what (if anything) you think of Milkman's other points. I'll be releasing a "bonus" post on the book later this week. It may not be your cup of tea, but I'm sure you'll have some valuable insights to add. Meanwhile, I'll be adding a post soon on one of my favorite Chekov short stories to keep things balanced 😊
So much of what you describe is me. The procrastination in particular. And I’m a lot older than you too. I’ve learned that procrastination is less about being lazy and more about being stuck and that it can take a huge force of will
to change but can also be done in small ways that aren’t too jarring. I’m a sugar fiend and so totally understand how difficult it is to not eat those cookies. Sugar is highly addictive. As is most processed food. The answer is whole food plant based and can produce amazing results. Every time you go to eat processed food ask yourself ‘would I feed this to my children?’ That might help. Good luck from one sweet toothed procrastinator to another :)
“When I seem to be making progress on this front—like how I’ve finally developed the courage to create and share the art I’ve always dreamed of—my fingers still find the snooze button, both literally and metaphorically, delaying the dream just one more hour, one more day. I have more unfinished projects than you can imagine, each a dusty testament to dreams deferred.”
I felt this part so deeply in my soul as a parent. This entire piece is such a gift that makes me feel incredibly validated as a parent and human living in our current landscape.
Also, might I add, your video intro instantly hooked me— fluid, vulnerable, real (not obscurely curated).
I am eager to read more of your work and connect!
Thank you so much for the kind words Samantha! It means a lot to me to know you connected with the essay. Trying to create art and be an engaged parent is difficult indeed. Thanks for making me feel less alone on this journey.
I also appreciate your kind words about the video! I love making them, and I hope it gives my readers a chance to get to know me more.
Thank you for your presence, and I look forward to connecting!
This resonates!! Love it. Thanks for sharing 🙏
Thanks Roscoe! You know I'm a fan of your work, so I'm happy I could share something with you this time around 😊
So difficult with kids in the house: stress, surprises, appointments, meetings, disagreements with spouse. A lot of personal needs fall to the wayside, taking a backseat. A constant struggle for me.
I hear you Jesse. It's a constant struggle for me too. For me, I think the art is worth it. I'm not sure I could make sense of the difficult parts of my life without it. Thanks as always for your presence and your comments 🙏🏻
Great reminder- art helping make sense of the craziness, challenges, difficulties. Thanks, Jacob!
Such a great post, Jacob! The humanity in your writing is beautiful, and such a draw. I hope Substack continues to push you in your desired direction. I definitely understand the "public announcement" piece, as I've done the same with my novel; if people know about it, I have to finish it! And an awesome video, as always.
Thank you Maria! I appreciate your kind words and support as always! Your presence here is such a gift. And, yes! I feel like your Substack is a great example of the public pledge since we're all following you on your novel-writing journey. I look forward to buying it and putting it on one of those cool Substack shelves I've seen floating around on Notes 😂. Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing this. I resonate with it so much. For me it was (and I guess will always be) alcohol. Community feels like an important piece and one as a man I have historically struggled to create with other men. I also see Substack as a way to work toward this kind of community. And appreciate you showing up to co-create that space.
Thank you Josh for this thoughtful reply and for sharing. I really struggle to create community with other men and, to your point, I think one reason I started reading on Substack and eventually writing here was to change that. I've become really lonely and isolated, especially since 2020, and I hope writing can help with that as well and perhaps make some other folks feel less alone, too. Appreciate your kind words and your presence here! 🙏🏻
This piece reminds me of Mike Birbiglia’s latest standup special “The Old Man and the Pool”
Have you seen it? I think you would find it relatable.
Hi Pam! I haven't, but I know and like Birbiglia's work, so I'll check it out. Thanks for the recommendation 😊
Excellent, skillful writing, Jacob! Once again, you kept my interest throughout.
You certainly set yourself up for mounds of [unsolicited?] advice with this one, haha. I'll resist the temptation and just say: The greatest thing about the second option for the best time to plant a tree is that it's always now.
Thank you Don! I always appreciate your kind words and support. In terms of advice, I feel like I'm always learning from your writing! But, yes, always now indeed—heard. 😊
I was tempted to say you're so young, but it's all relative. I'm 55 and I'm struggling to change myself, it's a constant battle. I went through a dark night of the soul last year but I think it was the catalyst for change, as painful as it was. I'm trying every day. I'm catching up to my Dad's age when he passed away. That scares the heck out of me. Our son is 16. We are older parents, I want to be there for him.
Thanks for sharing and writing, it's the first step, and trying. It's not linear remember, change. I remind myself of that every day.
When I get short tempered and irritable. I'm usually overwhelming and when I look underneath it all I see fear on my self.
Thank you for sharing Jane, and for your thoughtful response to the essay. To your point, all we can do is try every day and realize that change is a complicated process. I also appreciate how you point out that those dark nights of the soul can actually be catalysts for change even if they're painful. Unfortunately, I feel like I've had to get really low before I could motivate myself to change (at least regarding the really important stuff). Anyway, thanks for being here Jane—I appreciate your presence and for making this process feel less lonely and overwhelming! 🙏🏻
Our kids do help us to get into perspective. I love that you are trying, aren't we all in some way? You've taken the very first important step - awareness. Now on to fight the demons - internal or external. You can do it!
Thank you Rachel! I appreciate the support. 🙏🏻 Onwards!
Ahh mate - from a fellow trying dad, thanks for the heartfelt honesty. This resonated in a particular potent way - I too fear I'm running out of time to be the person I want to be and feel the intense waves of frustration around that, how my kids will experience me and the fear of never meeting my creative potential.
It's slowly becoming a quieter voice but definitely an undercurrent - a mentor of mine once framed it as the 'becoming vs being dilemma' which I really appreciated.
Thanks for your words mate.
Thank you Jesse—it means so much to hear from other dads and parents that are experiencing similar feelings. I'm hoping it becomes a quieter voice for me as well, and I think the writing helps with that—a lot, in fact, which makes it so essential. Wishing you and your family the best on this journey.
I do love the framework of "becoming vs. being dilemma" though—absolutely.
Thanks again for your kind words and for being here—your presence is appreciated.
I feel that Jacob, writing has become such an important practice for me too. Here's to a couple of Dad's giving it their best from good hearts...
Wishing your family the best too - looking forward to watching the journey unfold.
Indeed Jesse! Here’s to that. Same to you—looking forward to watching the journey unfold.
Wow! This was amazing Jacob.
Knowing we need to do better doesn't mean it instantly happens. It can take days, months and even years of intentionality to break certain cycles. Sh*t is hard.
I appreciate you going here friend.
Thank you so much Jamal! You're right: it is hard, and it doesn't happen instantly, which makes it so absurd when we beat ourselves up for not changing overnight! It's something I'm really working on, but I think it comes down to what you've highlighted here: Intentionality, even if it does take years. If I'm trying and being intentional about the change, that has to count for something.
I appreciate your presence and your support as always Jamal! It's a gift 🙏🏻
No problem brother! You're not alone and I'm thankful to get to see your journey unfolding 🙏🏽
Same here Jamal!
This was such a captivating read. It seems like we all see ourselves in your words and know how hard it can be to really change.
I feel like I’m up against time too with my son growing and my career just crunching away at my life… trying to secure that “glass half full” perspective on the regular is a challenge.
Thank you for saying what so many of us feel, but could never articulate ourselves. 🙏
Thank you for sharing and for your kind words—it means so much to me. You said it: It's that feeling of being up against time and the crunch of the career that can make a positive outlook so difficult sometimes. It's something I'm working on as well. Thank you for being here and making the journey less lonely as we try to overcome these obstacles!
As a former engineer turned writer and literary person, it was literature, reading and writing that helped me along the journey to change. Engineering is chiefly about problem solving involving machines, systems and the like. It looks at forces, stresses, dynamics, thermodynamics and other such measurements and calculations. It solves equations..
I am sure the writer of the book means well, but I would not look to an engineer to help you on your journey. Steinbeck, Doestoevsy, Camus and Bellow have much more to say on this subject than any engineer who views things (probably humans, as well) from a systems approach.
Well, humans are not machines and our minds are not computers. Substack is definitely a wonderful place, a community, of creative people. Very high calibre; very supportive.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply as always Perry! It's appreciated. And I certainly agree with you regarding what writing and literature can teach us. Speaking of Bellow, I recently purchased a collection of his non-fiction writing, and I've been reading some Steinbeck, too (East of Eden). Reading great writing always soothes my soul and provides many of the insights I'm looking for (or not looking for but need to hear, anyway). To your point, Substack is a wonderful and supportive place to be with other writers.
Because you're a former engineer, it'll be interesting to see what (if anything) you think of Milkman's other points. I'll be releasing a "bonus" post on the book later this week. It may not be your cup of tea, but I'm sure you'll have some valuable insights to add. Meanwhile, I'll be adding a post soon on one of my favorite Chekov short stories to keep things balanced 😊
Look forward to it, Jacob.
So much of what you describe is me. The procrastination in particular. And I’m a lot older than you too. I’ve learned that procrastination is less about being lazy and more about being stuck and that it can take a huge force of will
to change but can also be done in small ways that aren’t too jarring. I’m a sugar fiend and so totally understand how difficult it is to not eat those cookies. Sugar is highly addictive. As is most processed food. The answer is whole food plant based and can produce amazing results. Every time you go to eat processed food ask yourself ‘would I feed this to my children?’ That might help. Good luck from one sweet toothed procrastinator to another :)