There is very little in my life that causes me as much shame as my messy house. And it’s not for lack of other potential-shame inducers. That one is just really hardwired and it’s so hard to have self-compassion for. If you aren’t familiar with KC Davis, she’s a therapist who specializes in “keeping house while drowning” and she offers really clever tips for cleaning and organizing, but more importantly, taught me that chores are not a moral issue. Honestly the most helpful part is she shows her messy house on social media and I feel less alone 😅
Thank you Amber for sharing! It's so important to recognize this isn't a moral or character issue. I've never heard of KC Davis, but I'll check out her work! It sounds like I'd benefit from it 😊 Thank you for your comment and time—it's appreciated!
My first post of the day on my feed and I can relate to so much of it I don't know where to start. I had a chronically ill sister and, the smell of lysol to this day.. that is all I'm saying. My mom left her job as a teacher to raise 3 kids and I have memories of her cleaning! I can not live to her standards with my husband working fulltime and myself running a business and raising a teen and being a mom Uber. My husband and I both have health conditons too, and life obligations, we do what we can. I don't think I'd want to either. I am guilty of scrambling to panic clean if someone is coming over, but I'm starting to say this is enough take it or leave it
Once again your writing delivered. I'd say 90% of what I read I read the title and maybe some I scan, but your post always keep my attention to the end. This says a lot for a middle-aged woman with ADHD and is a multi-tasking mom
Thank you Jane! 🙏🏻 I appreciate you sharing with me. It's so heartening to hear what others have experienced and connect over these similarities or shared experiences/feelings. I'm close to being where you are with the cleaning: "This is enough take it or leave it."
And thank you for your kind words and encouragement about my writing. It means so much to me. I'm very easily distracted, so I can relate 😂, but your attention and engagement is so, so appreciated.
You're welcome. You have a lot on your plate. As parents and adults we all do! There's only so much hours of the day. I know someday I won't look back and say. Wow I had a clean house
Yours is becoming my first read of the week, Jacob. Coffee and dad trying before I jump into the day. And oh man, I get this. I DO have time to clean, and my house is NEVER as clean as it is in my head, and certainly never as tidy. I’ve made some sort of peace with the endless refrain of reminding my three children to please put clothes in the hamper and not on the floor, hang up your towels, and why is there a soccer ball in the middle of the living room? Always? It’s a season, I think, and there might come a day when I’m enjoying a clean house while I miss my boys.
Thank you Maria for the encouragement and kind words about my morning posts 😊. It means so much to me because I'm always very anxious after I post, so these comments alleviate all those unpleasant feelings.
To your point, though, I agree that perhaps this is a season. Seasons of messiness? 😂 Like you, I anticipate there will come a day when things are cleaner but, perhaps with that, a longing for the chaos I write about because, at the end of the day, it's my beautiful babies that are helping to make all that mess. I can't imagine them not being around to spill things or leave toys everywhere! I guess, like everything, it's all about perspective. Thanks Maria 🙏🏻
Each of us lives with a certain amount of disorder, mess, dirt. As you said, there is not one living quarters that is pristine or pure. It will be as clean as one finds necessary to carry on; and if guests or visitors find the mess and dirt offensive to their sensibilities, well, don't visit.
I hang my hat on our house being tidy but not clean. In this season of life (with two under 4, a full time teaching job, also exploring writing on Substack, etc.), something has to give, and it's the cleaning! Don't get me wrong, I squeeze in quick maintenance tasks and SOON, I promise, soon, I'm going to get out the steam mop because I know the floors need it...but when each day is filled with tasks from 5am to 10pm, deep cleaning isn't going to make the cut.
All of this resonated so much. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you Courtney! It means so much to me to know this resonated!
As you and Maria have pointed out here in the comments, I think it's important to recognize this season of life as being one that's a bit messy where something must give. However, it sounds like you're doing a good job with the tidiness, and maybe that's what I'll aspire to going forward: a tidy home and then a clean one!
Thank you again for being here, commenting, and sharing—it really does mean a lot. 🙏🏻
This is so fantastic and relatable and healing thank you. I spent my first 8 years of parenthood (which conincided very nearly precisely with my first 8 years of adulthood!) being a total clean freak. It was my one source of pride, my one external evidence that I was a viable person, that I was doing ok. Then I got divorced and remarried and had another kid and got an injury that resulted in chronic pain, and the clean freak was ripped right out of me. It was a BRUTAL death, I tell ya. But as things have begun to stabilize, I am realizing so deeply what a false measure of worth it Was. Now even if I CAN clean, it’s no longer the main goal of anytning, and is often willfully deposited on the “do later or not at all” side of the priority list. ❤️
I don’t even have children and feel similarly (I do have a dog who contributes quite a lot to the mess). When my mental health slips or things just seem overwhelming, cleaning is not something I tend to prioritize. Except of course if I’m in a frantic cleaning spree because cleaning my house will make me “feel better” (it doesn’t).
I grew up in a home that was extremely strict about cleanliness. You’d never have known four children and a dog lived there, it had to be kept in show home condition. Everything needed to be put in its place. No touching the walls. Beds made. Vacuumed, windexed, and oh so much laundry was done daily along with many other things. I find my fear of leaving the house with a dish in the sink, a floor unswept or a bed unmade comes from this place. And having people over without everything being prisitine?!? Immense anxiety. Like you said, I fear their potential judgment or thoughts and I’ll be found as disgusting or not enough or something else.
It’s funny what we carry with us. Because most people are understanding - life is for living, not cleaning, there are other priorities. And even if they do judge us, who cares! Glass houses and all that.
All of this to say, you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Hey Jacob--sorry, I feel like I lost you in the shuffle but I'm quite glad to be on board now. (Love the format, by the way.)
With four cats in a two bedroom apartment, I can certainly relate to the absurd, Sisyphean nature of trying to maintain a clean house. "One must imagine dad trying..." lol.
I'd submit that shame plays an important function in our lives. It's a form of feedback that we should heed and not simply ignore because it's unpleasant (ignore that "sore stomach" for long enough and your ruptured appendix *will* kill you). So kudos to you for engaging with such a difficult topic and for your efforts to let go of unnecessary and unrealistic expectations.
When I read about all of the full things, I noted your life was among them! Take that deep breath and let it out. You are doing just fine, my friend! This is why I’m a Febreze man.great line, Jacob!
I totally understand. We homeschool and have a son with down syndrome. There are only so many hours in the day. If someone is coming over I pick things up but I think most of my friends are messy too.
Learning to accept the “mess” is reaching a level of peace that shows you're growing internally and not so much subjected to the conditions of the external world.
There is very little in my life that causes me as much shame as my messy house. And it’s not for lack of other potential-shame inducers. That one is just really hardwired and it’s so hard to have self-compassion for. If you aren’t familiar with KC Davis, she’s a therapist who specializes in “keeping house while drowning” and she offers really clever tips for cleaning and organizing, but more importantly, taught me that chores are not a moral issue. Honestly the most helpful part is she shows her messy house on social media and I feel less alone 😅
Thank you Amber for sharing! It's so important to recognize this isn't a moral or character issue. I've never heard of KC Davis, but I'll check out her work! It sounds like I'd benefit from it 😊 Thank you for your comment and time—it's appreciated!
My first post of the day on my feed and I can relate to so much of it I don't know where to start. I had a chronically ill sister and, the smell of lysol to this day.. that is all I'm saying. My mom left her job as a teacher to raise 3 kids and I have memories of her cleaning! I can not live to her standards with my husband working fulltime and myself running a business and raising a teen and being a mom Uber. My husband and I both have health conditons too, and life obligations, we do what we can. I don't think I'd want to either. I am guilty of scrambling to panic clean if someone is coming over, but I'm starting to say this is enough take it or leave it
Once again your writing delivered. I'd say 90% of what I read I read the title and maybe some I scan, but your post always keep my attention to the end. This says a lot for a middle-aged woman with ADHD and is a multi-tasking mom
Thanks for your writing and keep writing!
Thank you Jane! 🙏🏻 I appreciate you sharing with me. It's so heartening to hear what others have experienced and connect over these similarities or shared experiences/feelings. I'm close to being where you are with the cleaning: "This is enough take it or leave it."
And thank you for your kind words and encouragement about my writing. It means so much to me. I'm very easily distracted, so I can relate 😂, but your attention and engagement is so, so appreciated.
You're welcome. You have a lot on your plate. As parents and adults we all do! There's only so much hours of the day. I know someday I won't look back and say. Wow I had a clean house
Exactly! I'm pretty sure the last thing I'll be thinking at the end of it all is "I wish I had spent more time dusting and mopping the floors!" 😂
Beautifully stated, and I agree with you Jane! Dad Trying, never needs to try for my attention. I always drop right in and stay until the end.
Thank you so much 🥹. It means a lot—I'm always so anxious after I hit post that comments like these instantly make me feel better 🙏🏻
Yours is becoming my first read of the week, Jacob. Coffee and dad trying before I jump into the day. And oh man, I get this. I DO have time to clean, and my house is NEVER as clean as it is in my head, and certainly never as tidy. I’ve made some sort of peace with the endless refrain of reminding my three children to please put clothes in the hamper and not on the floor, hang up your towels, and why is there a soccer ball in the middle of the living room? Always? It’s a season, I think, and there might come a day when I’m enjoying a clean house while I miss my boys.
Thank you Maria for the encouragement and kind words about my morning posts 😊. It means so much to me because I'm always very anxious after I post, so these comments alleviate all those unpleasant feelings.
To your point, though, I agree that perhaps this is a season. Seasons of messiness? 😂 Like you, I anticipate there will come a day when things are cleaner but, perhaps with that, a longing for the chaos I write about because, at the end of the day, it's my beautiful babies that are helping to make all that mess. I can't imagine them not being around to spill things or leave toys everywhere! I guess, like everything, it's all about perspective. Thanks Maria 🙏🏻
Each of us lives with a certain amount of disorder, mess, dirt. As you said, there is not one living quarters that is pristine or pure. It will be as clean as one finds necessary to carry on; and if guests or visitors find the mess and dirt offensive to their sensibilities, well, don't visit.
Indeed Perry, well said: "clean as one finds necessary to carry on." That's exactly where I'm at! Thank you as always for your time and comments 🙏🏻
I hang my hat on our house being tidy but not clean. In this season of life (with two under 4, a full time teaching job, also exploring writing on Substack, etc.), something has to give, and it's the cleaning! Don't get me wrong, I squeeze in quick maintenance tasks and SOON, I promise, soon, I'm going to get out the steam mop because I know the floors need it...but when each day is filled with tasks from 5am to 10pm, deep cleaning isn't going to make the cut.
All of this resonated so much. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you Courtney! It means so much to me to know this resonated!
As you and Maria have pointed out here in the comments, I think it's important to recognize this season of life as being one that's a bit messy where something must give. However, it sounds like you're doing a good job with the tidiness, and maybe that's what I'll aspire to going forward: a tidy home and then a clean one!
Thank you again for being here, commenting, and sharing—it really does mean a lot. 🙏🏻
This is so fantastic and relatable and healing thank you. I spent my first 8 years of parenthood (which conincided very nearly precisely with my first 8 years of adulthood!) being a total clean freak. It was my one source of pride, my one external evidence that I was a viable person, that I was doing ok. Then I got divorced and remarried and had another kid and got an injury that resulted in chronic pain, and the clean freak was ripped right out of me. It was a BRUTAL death, I tell ya. But as things have begun to stabilize, I am realizing so deeply what a false measure of worth it Was. Now even if I CAN clean, it’s no longer the main goal of anytning, and is often willfully deposited on the “do later or not at all” side of the priority list. ❤️
I don’t even have children and feel similarly (I do have a dog who contributes quite a lot to the mess). When my mental health slips or things just seem overwhelming, cleaning is not something I tend to prioritize. Except of course if I’m in a frantic cleaning spree because cleaning my house will make me “feel better” (it doesn’t).
I grew up in a home that was extremely strict about cleanliness. You’d never have known four children and a dog lived there, it had to be kept in show home condition. Everything needed to be put in its place. No touching the walls. Beds made. Vacuumed, windexed, and oh so much laundry was done daily along with many other things. I find my fear of leaving the house with a dish in the sink, a floor unswept or a bed unmade comes from this place. And having people over without everything being prisitine?!? Immense anxiety. Like you said, I fear their potential judgment or thoughts and I’ll be found as disgusting or not enough or something else.
It’s funny what we carry with us. Because most people are understanding - life is for living, not cleaning, there are other priorities. And even if they do judge us, who cares! Glass houses and all that.
All of this to say, you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Hey Jacob--sorry, I feel like I lost you in the shuffle but I'm quite glad to be on board now. (Love the format, by the way.)
With four cats in a two bedroom apartment, I can certainly relate to the absurd, Sisyphean nature of trying to maintain a clean house. "One must imagine dad trying..." lol.
I'd submit that shame plays an important function in our lives. It's a form of feedback that we should heed and not simply ignore because it's unpleasant (ignore that "sore stomach" for long enough and your ruptured appendix *will* kill you). So kudos to you for engaging with such a difficult topic and for your efforts to let go of unnecessary and unrealistic expectations.
When I read about all of the full things, I noted your life was among them! Take that deep breath and let it out. You are doing just fine, my friend! This is why I’m a Febreze man.great line, Jacob!
I totally understand. We homeschool and have a son with down syndrome. There are only so many hours in the day. If someone is coming over I pick things up but I think most of my friends are messy too.
Learning to accept the “mess” is reaching a level of peace that shows you're growing internally and not so much subjected to the conditions of the external world.