Jacob in 50 Fragments
A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Introduction to Your Author
Author’s Note: These are listed in no particular order. Fragments will be linked to their respective posts once available. Video coming soon. —JWB
1. I was born on April Fool’s Day but still have all my wisdom teeth
2. I was raised by a stay-at-home dad
3. Proud dad of a sweet little non-verbal boy on the autism spectrum
4. Proud dad of a sweet little red-headed girl
5. I’m an emotional, affectionate, oversharing sober person
6. My intellectual world was shaped by two tv dogs
7. Pretending to be a pro wrestler taught me how to write
8. I own 8 different translations of the Mesopotamian poem Gilgamesh
9. One of my earliest memories is shelling and eating pistachios while watching Saturday Night Live with my family
10. I love em-dashes
11. I’m still figuring out how I feel about semicolons
12. My favorite time to write is between 4:30-6am
13. My paternal grandfather died at 28
14. My non-smoker dad was diagnosed with lung cancer at 36
15. I’m a sucker for how-to articles
16. I don’t believe in manifestation or astrology, but I want to
17. I’m the only person in my immediate family without a tattoo
18. I’m a bad drunk
19. I love gorillas
20. My therapist tells me she loves me (and I love her, too)
21. I’m a homeschooled jungle freak: grades 2-9
22. I barely graduated from an alternative public high school but still gave the commencement speech
23. I was on academic probation twice at my community (two-year) college
24. Getting hired as a tutor at my college writing center changed my life
25. I have a Ph.D. in English, but I’m still recovering from graduate school
26. I’m the first person in my family to graduate from college
27. I love learning, but I hate school
28. Iron Maiden is my favorite band
29. Emo music is my guilty pleasure
30. I’ve had an electric guitar for 19 years and still can’t play it (partly because my guitar teacher broke up with me)
31. I’ll never stop wearing skinny jeans (and Gen Z can’t make me)
32. I wear a three-piece suit to work every day (except for breaks and summer)
33. I love Rod Serling and the Twilight Zone
34. I love video games, but I’ve spent way too much time playing them
35. I’m obsessed with Herman Melville—and his books, too
36. I love competition reality TV
37. I love watching cooking shows but don’t like cooking
38. Born and raised in Southern California
39. 909 to 949: The 2003 TV show The O.C. encapsulates my high school experience
40. I moved to the Midwest at 36, and it made me feel like a huge failure
41. I love sports, but have played none (except for that one tee-ball practice)
42. Been nowhere, done nothing, but want to go everywhere, and do everything
43. “Serenity Now!” I’m working on my anger management
44. I met Kobe Bryant at a gourmet pizza shop and got his autograph
45. I worked in grocery and liquor stores for almost ten years
46. I’m a non-smoker who loves the smell of cigarettes
47. I’ve never been high (but I tried)
48. I’m afraid of freeways, elevators, and flying
49. I thought having kids would change me, but it didn’t—it’s complicated
50. I’m having a mid-life crisis, and I don’t want to waste it
OMG I love this! Can I steal this idea for my own substack?
First I just want to say "Welcome to flyover country!" We're not the cool kids and that is okay with us! Nobody dreams of living where I live and I'm okay with that. Keeps traffic lighter and prices lower.
My list:
1. I graduated high school in a class of 9 people
2. Milk is my enemy. I'm completely lactose intolerant. My husband says I'm lactose militant.
3. My grandmother started doing standup comedy in her 50's and I got to see her perform once. She killed.
4. I'm grateful for people who join the military and raise children because I have no interest in doing either of those things.
5. Every part of my life improved when I moved from the city to the country.
6. I write and produce an audio drama about cats who run a news station.
7. I'm currently growing my red hair out so I can donate it to Hair We Share
8. I have entered my birdwatching phase
9. My resume is all over the place. There were several years I filed five W2's.
10. My favorite kind of book is a memoir about someone's fucked up childhood told with a wicked sense of humor. (See "Acne" by Laura Chin)
Ok I LOVE this and feel like all of us on Substack should make a version of it for our readers!! Number 40 hit me hard. My husband and I moved to St. Louis from Oregon last year (and before that, we were in the Bay Area). I’m from St. Louis originally, but it still felt like failing. Turns out I’m in love with the Midwest. I don’t know if you’ve found your love of it yet, but if you haven’t, know that you still might!! 😂🥰