Oh man. I feel this, especially right now. I often think about how life can feel like a lot, even with everything going “right.” The end of the school year with three kids, and raising teenagers in general, has me closer to the edge than I like on a lot of days. How to get a handle on things? How to thicken my skin a bit, so I can weather these moments better? I imagine the answers are different for everyone, but I do love the ending here. Sometimes we just need to get outside ourselves and see the world is still turning. It doesn’t fix everything, but lends perspective.
Thank you Maria! 🙏🏻 Exactly: How to get a better handle on things and weather them better? Yes, sometimes it's just getting perspective. I think a big part of what I'm doing here on Substack as a writer and reader as well as why I read literature is to try and get/find that perspective. Thanks as always for being here and for your thoughtful, kind words 😊
Hi! First time reader here. I love what you did with adding a personal video to go with the essay.
At first I expected the video to be you reading the essay but when I saw that it was giving background and expounding on the essay I was like WOW what a cool idea!
I am so so so grateful that it’s been a few years since Ive primal screamed in my car after work. But boy do I remember it well.
I was an essential worker through COVID and the ONLY good thing that happened at my job was we suddenly had a lot of parking available. So, it was a short walk to scream in the car.
I spent a lot of time in the campus chapel in those days, but if we’d had a rage room I would have gladly gone in there daily to smash plates.
I remember sitting next to the window at home, looking like a Zoloft ad, thinking “This will never get better”.
Things did get better, but it took big moves on my part (and my husband’s). Over the course of 2 years, I quit my job to freelance, got back on antidepressants, got back in therapy, and moved from the city to the country.
I want people in that dark spiral of hopelessness and shame to know: your brain is lying to you. It can get better. Really. This doesn’t have to be forever.
Thank you so much for writing this essay and for making the accompanying video!
Hi Pam! So sorry for the late response to your comment—it's been one of those months! Meanwhile, welcome!
It means so much to me that you connected with this essay. I can't imagine being an essential worker during covid—that must have been so difficult and overwhelming (hence the primal scream and the campus chapel). I was very privileged because I was able to teach online (demoralizing as that experience was). I so appreciate your kind, encouraging words! It inspires me to see how many positive changes you've created in your life. I look forward to connecting and reading your work!
I'm also happy you like the videos. I love making them, so it's nice to know when folks connect with the video content as well!
Again this resonates with me. I am a mom that is old enough to be a grandmother but is a mom to a 16 year-old. I can replay almost the exact scenario once a week. I think more of us can relate to all of this more than you know. I love the transition of the dark garage to walking into the sunlight at the end and you were surprised by that in a way. That is symbolic in so many ways. I will listen to the vo and other on here as I spend a good part of my working day driving
Thank you Jane! I appreciate you sharing. It means a lot you're able to connect with this piece, especially the ending. One of the best things about Substack is being able to share and connect when it comes to these more difficult/personal moments. Thanks again for being here 🙏🏻
Naming doesn't help. It's just the feeling a coyote in a leg trap must have; the need to get free but no matter how hard you struggle nothing works. But that's not right, either, because we're not held against our will. But it's still a hold, and some days the pull is just too much to bear.
You're not the only one who's felt this way; thanks for sharing.
Beautifully said: "The need to get free but no matter how hard you struggle nothing works. But that's not right, either, because we're not held against our will." Thank you for sharing and being here—means a lot.
Jacob - I had quite a few of these situations happen in my own life over the years. I had some trauma as a teen that caused me to feel as if I had no control over my life. So I reacted in desperation with the opposite extreme of trying to control everything, including time and the actions of others. Pretty frustrating to say the least. And that fear of losing control or of all the terrible things that will never actually materialize but which we believe will create chaos. I am pretty sure you read my article on the things I can control (https://matthewmlong.substack.com/p/the-fog) but this is a process I approach daily. It is tough brother and requires some real dilengence and intentionality. And still there are times when we just need to scream in an empty car or into the pillow. Sometimes getting that primal urge out of us is cathartic.
Thanks for this thoughtful and reflective comment Matthew, as always. Thank you for sharing. You're right that it's a daily process, one that requires diligence and intentionality, and it's something I'm working on, for sure. I have read your article, and I think that's why it resonates so much. This is also why I appreciate Don's work about mindfulness. Having said all of that, you're right that getting the primal scream out is cathartic as well!
Didn’t watch the video yet, but thank you for your vulnerability. The part I felt the most was the monotonous of work and dying feeling insignificant. In a way, my son has really given me a whole new sense of purpose.
Thank you Marc—so appreciated. Yes, my kids have certainly given my life a whole new sense of purpose and significance as well. They've helped me grow and expand so much. However, I think it's when I'm away from them and my wife for prolonged periods of time or even on a morning commute that I find myself sinking into some of these other feelings (and losing perspective). It's a reminder of what a gift my family is, but also how much I need to keep working on myself. Thanks again for being here Marc 🙏🏻
I don't know about you. When I am away I feel a profound sense of guilt even if I have permission to be away (like shopping or working). Still navigating that. I appreciate you you for sharing though. The self work is never ending. I think that's what makes us show up hard for our families - knowing that they deserve the best makes us take care of ourselves even more.
Oh definitely. I always feel guilty when I'm away from the family. Even routine things like learning to drop off my kids at daycare was so hard ("Shouldn't I be home with them instead of working?"). And you said it: "Knowing they deserve the best makes us take care of ourselves even more." At this point in my life, I'd like to think I'd be working really hard on being a better person even if I didn't have my family, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be—not even close. I know I need to cultivate that self-love too, but it's all a never-ending process.
Oh man. I feel this, especially right now. I often think about how life can feel like a lot, even with everything going “right.” The end of the school year with three kids, and raising teenagers in general, has me closer to the edge than I like on a lot of days. How to get a handle on things? How to thicken my skin a bit, so I can weather these moments better? I imagine the answers are different for everyone, but I do love the ending here. Sometimes we just need to get outside ourselves and see the world is still turning. It doesn’t fix everything, but lends perspective.
Thank you Maria! 🙏🏻 Exactly: How to get a better handle on things and weather them better? Yes, sometimes it's just getting perspective. I think a big part of what I'm doing here on Substack as a writer and reader as well as why I read literature is to try and get/find that perspective. Thanks as always for being here and for your thoughtful, kind words 😊
Hi! First time reader here. I love what you did with adding a personal video to go with the essay.
At first I expected the video to be you reading the essay but when I saw that it was giving background and expounding on the essay I was like WOW what a cool idea!
I am so so so grateful that it’s been a few years since Ive primal screamed in my car after work. But boy do I remember it well.
I was an essential worker through COVID and the ONLY good thing that happened at my job was we suddenly had a lot of parking available. So, it was a short walk to scream in the car.
I spent a lot of time in the campus chapel in those days, but if we’d had a rage room I would have gladly gone in there daily to smash plates.
I remember sitting next to the window at home, looking like a Zoloft ad, thinking “This will never get better”.
Things did get better, but it took big moves on my part (and my husband’s). Over the course of 2 years, I quit my job to freelance, got back on antidepressants, got back in therapy, and moved from the city to the country.
I want people in that dark spiral of hopelessness and shame to know: your brain is lying to you. It can get better. Really. This doesn’t have to be forever.
Thank you so much for writing this essay and for making the accompanying video!
Hi Pam! So sorry for the late response to your comment—it's been one of those months! Meanwhile, welcome!
It means so much to me that you connected with this essay. I can't imagine being an essential worker during covid—that must have been so difficult and overwhelming (hence the primal scream and the campus chapel). I was very privileged because I was able to teach online (demoralizing as that experience was). I so appreciate your kind, encouraging words! It inspires me to see how many positive changes you've created in your life. I look forward to connecting and reading your work!
I'm also happy you like the videos. I love making them, so it's nice to know when folks connect with the video content as well!
Again this resonates with me. I am a mom that is old enough to be a grandmother but is a mom to a 16 year-old. I can replay almost the exact scenario once a week. I think more of us can relate to all of this more than you know. I love the transition of the dark garage to walking into the sunlight at the end and you were surprised by that in a way. That is symbolic in so many ways. I will listen to the vo and other on here as I spend a good part of my working day driving
Thank you Jane! I appreciate you sharing. It means a lot you're able to connect with this piece, especially the ending. One of the best things about Substack is being able to share and connect when it comes to these more difficult/personal moments. Thanks again for being here 🙏🏻
Wow. Thank you.
Thank you John! Appreciate you being here and for the comment.
I hear you. I think I've been there.
Naming doesn't help. It's just the feeling a coyote in a leg trap must have; the need to get free but no matter how hard you struggle nothing works. But that's not right, either, because we're not held against our will. But it's still a hold, and some days the pull is just too much to bear.
You're not the only one who's felt this way; thanks for sharing.
Beautifully said: "The need to get free but no matter how hard you struggle nothing works. But that's not right, either, because we're not held against our will." Thank you for sharing and being here—means a lot.
I wasn’t prepared when I clicked to read this. I can relate so strongly I’m choking back tears. Thank you for writing.
Thank you Susan—that means so much. I'm happy you're here and that this connected 🙏🏻Thanks again.
Jacob - I had quite a few of these situations happen in my own life over the years. I had some trauma as a teen that caused me to feel as if I had no control over my life. So I reacted in desperation with the opposite extreme of trying to control everything, including time and the actions of others. Pretty frustrating to say the least. And that fear of losing control or of all the terrible things that will never actually materialize but which we believe will create chaos. I am pretty sure you read my article on the things I can control (https://matthewmlong.substack.com/p/the-fog) but this is a process I approach daily. It is tough brother and requires some real dilengence and intentionality. And still there are times when we just need to scream in an empty car or into the pillow. Sometimes getting that primal urge out of us is cathartic.
Thanks for this thoughtful and reflective comment Matthew, as always. Thank you for sharing. You're right that it's a daily process, one that requires diligence and intentionality, and it's something I'm working on, for sure. I have read your article, and I think that's why it resonates so much. This is also why I appreciate Don's work about mindfulness. Having said all of that, you're right that getting the primal scream out is cathartic as well!
Didn’t watch the video yet, but thank you for your vulnerability. The part I felt the most was the monotonous of work and dying feeling insignificant. In a way, my son has really given me a whole new sense of purpose.
Thank you Marc—so appreciated. Yes, my kids have certainly given my life a whole new sense of purpose and significance as well. They've helped me grow and expand so much. However, I think it's when I'm away from them and my wife for prolonged periods of time or even on a morning commute that I find myself sinking into some of these other feelings (and losing perspective). It's a reminder of what a gift my family is, but also how much I need to keep working on myself. Thanks again for being here Marc 🙏🏻
I don't know about you. When I am away I feel a profound sense of guilt even if I have permission to be away (like shopping or working). Still navigating that. I appreciate you you for sharing though. The self work is never ending. I think that's what makes us show up hard for our families - knowing that they deserve the best makes us take care of ourselves even more.
Oh definitely. I always feel guilty when I'm away from the family. Even routine things like learning to drop off my kids at daycare was so hard ("Shouldn't I be home with them instead of working?"). And you said it: "Knowing they deserve the best makes us take care of ourselves even more." At this point in my life, I'd like to think I'd be working really hard on being a better person even if I didn't have my family, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be—not even close. I know I need to cultivate that self-love too, but it's all a never-ending process.